screaming "Get off of my lawn you little S.O.B's!" but hey, who hasn't wanted to do that?"
In reality though, Heaton's on field production hasn't diminished and his team-mates look forward to his return. As Pitcher Bill Peters says, "Pete's great to have around because when you borrow money from him he usually forgets."
February 15. 2002
Pete Heaton; Ballplayer
CHICAGO, IL--"I can still play", says 35 year old infielder Pete Heaton of the Chicago Titans. "I don't do back flips or make basket catches, or wait 5 seconds before laser beaming a throw to first, so's I can show off my arm. I don't dance around, and swipe at balls and throw needlessly on the run to be "flashy". I stop the ball, set, and throw it hard to first...Period." The spry infielder made these comments while being interviewed for the latest edition of "AARP Journal" , the magazine for the aged. " I know I'm not as young as other guys, heck most of 'em could be my illegitimate children for all I know!" said the drooling and sometimes flatulent veteran. "Once the league allows me to put wheels on my trusty stool I know I'll have more range than anyone!" the soon to be social security recipient raged.
Heaton, who has recently been stung by criticism from the press for falling asleep in the batters box and for sometimes appearing in the field without his pants feels he can compete with anyone. "I'll tell you one thing, I will not hang around on a team to start DH-ing, and doing a lot of sitting. I'm chronologically 35, but as you know, I have more energy than any one, of any age, in the whole friggin' world!"
Long time companion and personal nurse Lance "Huggy Bear" Flanders agrees. "Peter is an absolute dynamo!", a beaming Flanders said while laying out Heaton's adult undergarments. "Ever since he took me in when I was fifteen, it's been a non-stop whirlwind of fun and excitement, he's got more energy than Emril and Oprah combined!".
Still others site his somewhat erratic behavior as being an indicator that he may be slipping. Titans Manager Wayne Hegner, also 35, doesn't feel that way however, "Pete's a competitor, and I know how hard he works." said the Titan's skipper, "Sure, there was that incident last June when he chased those kids out of the ball park with his cane in hand