Trammellite activist Mike DiMaria expressed outrage and shock at Hegner’s unwillingness to negotiate for the release of his longtime friend and fellow Detroit native.  “I can’t believe he would do this to someone like Dan.”, DiMaria said.  “After all, Hegner is the real problem.  If someone like Pete Heaton or K. C. Lange were in charge none of this would have happened.”

“We are a loveable and peaceful people who wish no harm on any person regardless of their unenlightened belief in anything other than Cubdom.” said Len Kasper, Cubs Nation spokesman.  “We do not endorse the actions of the Rynoists or those serving in the heroic Ojeda Brigades.

August 2, 2005

Terrorists Demand Farnsworth Returned to Cubs

Claiming revenge for the “Exiling of the prophet Farnsey” members of the extremist Ryno sect of Cubs Nation abducted Detroit native and current Chicago Titans second baseman Dan Lewis.

In a rambling statement released Tuesday on extremist websites with an accompanying video aired on the Waller-Gaetti Network, Lewis’ captors demanded, “The prophet Farnsey shall be returned by the southern infidels to Cubs Nation, every team in baseball to change their name to ‘Cubs’ so they would never lose, and immediate destruction of U.S. Cellular Field must be achieved before we release the Trammellite.  Otherwise, he who does not follow the true teachings of the Prophet Ernie shall be executed, praise be to Woo-Woo.”

Titans’ catcher Mike Kelly was stunned.  “Here I thought he was just milking out his injury and sitting at home scratching himself and all along he’s being held hostage.  I guess I’ll take back everything I said about him.”

Lewis is the third Titan player believed to have been abducted by Rynoists but is the first over whom they have actually made demands.  The other two, Danny Skelly and Adam Grimm, disappeared without a trace and have not been heard from since.  Titans’ general manager Wayne Hegner said the organization would not negotiate with the terrorists and that although he hopes they release Lewis unscathed he would not be able to meet any of their demands even if he could. “First of all, Farnsworth is a joke.  He’s erratic at best and the likelihood of him helping them down the stretch is remote.  Secondly, I’m not changing our name because these crackpots say so and as far as U.S. Cellular goes, they need to talk to Jerry Reinsdorf.”

When reached for comment, Sox chairman Jerry Reinsdorf said, “Why should I care? He’s (Lewis) a Tigers fan.”